7.09.2013

The Girl In The Mirror

25 comments
 
Have you had one of those days where you wake up on the wrong side of the bed with the ultimate bad hair day of all bad hair days and you can't seem to look yourself in the mirror without a depreciating sneer at your reflection? I've been there, and I know just how mean I can be.

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I would rummage my closet, dig through piles of old and new clothes and find nothing that looks good on me. I could take a full hour just trying on one dress after another, matching a pastel top with this new pair of floral print pants or maybe a sheer blouse with that lace skirt, and still find no satisfaction at the girl in the mirror. I would be dangerously running late to wherever it is I'm going to, starting to sweat a little or a lot and be so frustrated because nothing fits the way I want it to.

Bitterness builds up and anger boils over. I blame that person staring back at me for looking less than acceptable, no matter what I do. I pick on her full head of disobedient hair, on her chubby cheeks, on her multiple chins, on her flabby arms, on her rounded belly...and I sling hurtful words at her, one after another, until she feels worn down and worthless. Then I sit on the edge of my bed, feeling exhausted and sorry for myself, throwing a pity party for one and wishing I didn't live in this body.
When I finally go out, I find myself a safe little corner and stay there, shying away from attention and making myself invisible. I watch other girls with wistful eyes, see a radiance in them as they go about their business and live such seemingly happy lives. I feel an ache, a stab of jealousy that makes me wish I was one of them. And I can't help but wonder where they get their confidence from, how they keep it intact and why I hardly have any.

At home, in bed at an hour that usually means deep slumber, I am alone and my thoughts drift to the girl in the mirror. I see her looking defeated, rejected by the person who should love her and accept her who she is and battered by spiteful words that should have never left my lips. She feels little, despite her large frame; and lonely, despite my company.
I feel hot tears trickle down my face, choked by sobs that are trapped in my throat. I'm sorry, I mutter almost inaudibly in the dark. I am sorry for the pain I've inflicted, for the insults I've thrown, for the scars I've created and for the hurtful memories that echo in her head, eroding what little self-esteem she has left. I am sorry for allowing unattainable ideals to corrupt my perspective, doubt your beauty and devalue your worth. I am deeply sorry for making you think that you are not enough, because you are. You are loved, and you are beautiful, and that should have been enough.
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I finally let go, sobbing into a pillow that was made to comfort, until hiccups take over and I can not cry anymore. I look at the girl in the mirror, humble and apologetic. She smiles at me tentatively, unsure and a bit afraid at first. But looking into that pair of red-rimmed eyes, I see understanding and strength, a resilience I did not know was there all along. My heart swells with absolution, like a warm, soothing wave washing over my sins.

And in that moment, we begin to heal.

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It's a lengthier and wordier-than-usual post. I'm currently trying to regain the use of my writing muscle after quite a long time. Comments would be appreciated.

25 comments:

  1. Very well-written! And I pray everyone resolves self-doubt like you did in this entry. Cheers to self-love and self-acceptance!

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  2. great!!! you definitely have the knack for creative writing... :-) Indeed, the most hurtful things you can hear are the words that came from your own mouth... It is a nice feeling to finally accept yourself and love yourself...there's no use comparing yourself to other people coz even if they have something you don't..you have something they don't..yun lang lague ko iniisip,,,

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  3. This was so inspiriting...really, you do have a way with words. Beautiful, beautiful writing. If I was your teacher, I'll give you an A for sure:)

    http://modaodaradosti.blogspot.com/

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    1. Aww, glad you were touched by it. Thanks Ivana!

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  4. You're a really great writer. I think we all have those days, you're not alone! :)

    xo, Yi-chia
    Always Maylee

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  5. Great post, I can totally relate to you in this post. I get that feeling of self acceptance on and off, it really never fully goes away for me. But I'm still hoping that one day I wont ever feel bad about myself but I know it's a journey and hopefully one day I will get there. For the mean time I know i think i need to be more positive. Your writing is great! :)

    Nina
    http://curvymod.blogspot.com/

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    1. I still have my off days too, but trying to remember all my positive "assets" keep me on track. :) Thanks Nina!

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  6. An A++ for this post from your Creative Writing professor!!!

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  7. Abi, what a lovely and honest post! I think we have all felt like this at one time or another, and women have a way of really knowing how to put themselves down and doubt themselves.

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    1. True. We need to really stop criticizing our inner selves.

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  8. I am a male, so I can't speak to any of the feminine aspects of this. All I do know is that you are beautiful inside and outside. Don't let anything or anyone- even yourself (because we can be our own worst enemy sometimes) tell you different. It takes courage and confidence for you to even post blog entries showcasing your style to the world. That alone takes bravery. So my advice is simple- remain strong. Remain beautiful. Remain confident.

    johnbmarine.blogspot.com

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  9. I think we've all been there and can commiserate - granted it doesn't make it feel any better at the moment. I appreciate you sharing though - it's brave to admit on a blog that it's not all rainbows and sunshine all the time.

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  10. I know the feeling sis. And it's good to know that you managed to snap yourself out of your funk. :)

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    1. Yep. It's hard to stay feeling down din...emotionally exhausting. :)

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  11. I do feel exactly what you said. It's unavoidable to feel that way sometimes. I'm surrounded by parents who are unsupportive of the kind of body I have and I have to face that every day of my life. It's sad. I know they just want me to be healthy but it hurts and just difficult. But I try my very best to be confident and happy for who i am.
    No one can help you but yourself. You need to suck it all up and be your happy self even if the world doesn't agree with you. It's either you change or accept.

    twitter.com/t3ss4

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    1. I agree. When it comes to body-image, it is hard to feel good about ourselves when our family members don't really understand where we stand. However, when you really start believing in yourself and your worth, you won't really need much of other people's validation. :)

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  12. I read your site much of the time and I just thought I'd say keep up the stunning work! Best Bosy Pillow

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